Friday, October 24, 2008


The word "trust" is a five letter word that holds so much significance and meaning. Sometimes it is used not from the heart, but rather as a word people need to hear. The Webster dictionary definition of trust states that it is "reliance on the integrity, ability, etc., of a person or thing. A confident expectation; hope". The words that struck me in that definition are "integrity" and "confident".

Trust was a big issue with me in the past because I could never really trust anyone. If it were a guy I was dating, I either didn't trust him to remain faithful or I did not trust him with my heart. I remember talking to my mom many years ago about jealousy and trust, and she told me that it just has to be. In my young mind I could not understand how it could "just be". I felt that trust was ever evolving, adapting, and changing with time. Trust with me was so difficult to gain, and so easy to lose.

Alas, my mom's wisdom has overcome. You can not be with someone without trust. I am no relationship expert, but after a slew of bad relationships and a failed marriage, I am bound to gain an amount of my own wisdom along the way. I trust Justin with everything. I know this is the first time I have ever honestly said that, and meant it. Many times I have said "I trust you," and I wasn't lying to them, but rather lying to myself. I have learned that things will either happen or not happen, and it is not within your control. An outsider can not force things to not occur.

I am so much happier now, because I have finally "let go." I am confident about the integrity of the person I am with, and that has made all the difference.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

My Heart

My heart is straining

to hold

all the LOVE

I have

for YOU.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Light

Chasing the Light

If I were a moth
I'd fly to the light
that I see within you
It's the only light
I know that
will never singe
my delicate wings.

-Liz Flynn
Grade 10

From: Ten-Second Rainshowers

I hate the fact that I know my past still brings me down. I know there is still a fear in my heart that boils to the surface every now and then. While I am aware of its presence, I am unable to pacify the feelings. I hold these fears close to my heart and in the back of my ever-wandering mind. But, there are times when that light shines through. I was confronted with one of my latent fears, and it brought about hope and an immense amount of comfort. The words exchanged put my queasy heart to rest. One of these days I know that my past experiences will no longer influence my present. He has proven, time and time again, that he won't "singe MY delicate wings".

Thursday, October 9, 2008

I HATE this kind of Day

When I went on a winery trip in July, I spoke with another teacher during lunch. She also taught at a title 1 school, but was desperately trying to go somewhere else. I told her that there was no other type of school I would rather teach in, and her comment was "well you must be the type of person that doesn't let things get to you". To be honest, her statement angered me. But, I know that only a certain type of person continues to teach in low income schools, and that is because they love it.

I thought about that statement today as I was leaving work. I had one of those days that I just hate. I work in a transient area where only about half of my class from last year actually returned to enter second grade. Unfortunately, I am used to not seeing my former students. In my own mind, I have created a better life for them. I imagine that they have moved on to better things. That is the only way I can be...hopeful. Today is one of those days when my imaginary world took a hit of reality. I spoke with a principal of one of my former students who was desperately seeking information. The news I received from him was disheartening. My student was doing worse...much worse. I actually wrote about this student in a prior post because I was so fearful of what his future would hold.

It is times like this when that woman's statement affects me even more. My heart just crumbled at this news, as if everything that was accomplished last year was for nothing. I wish I could just take a half day and go there. Maybe seeing me as a piece of a "better" time will not make him feel so lost and alone. It also infuriates me that this child or any child has to deal with an unfair life...a deck of cards they were dealt for which they have to try and make work. He has so much potential and I can just see it all slipping away.

There have been children like him in the past, and I am sure there will be more in the future, but it does not help to ease my frustration on this kind of day.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Think about this Quote...

He or she "never suffered from the trajedy of perfection". from "Dexter"

The Art of Belly Dance

I started belly dancing five months ago to get out and try something new. I had no idea at the time just how much I would enjoy it. Belly dancing is like no other type of dance. It combines tradition, a good work out, and a celebration of womanhood. While the dance may appear sexual in nature, its purpose goes much deeper. Women learn to feel more comfortable with their bodies and a firm inner confidence begins to build. The dance is difficult, and I never thought I was a good dancer, but I am on the verge of entering the intermediate class. I guess dancing in front of the mirror, in the car, while cooking, and brushing my teeth has its benefits!

My instructor assists in hosting a live belly dance show once a month at Positive Vibe Cafe. I watched my first show there a week ago. The atmosphere is incredibly warming! The restaurant prides itself on healthy living and training those who are mentally and/or physically challenged. The dancers moved among tables and chairs in full belly dance dress. It was very intimate and the crowd was very interactive. Upon leaving I was so wired and could not help but move my hips. :) I recommend that everyone who has an open mind, an appreciation for dance, or a communal with women to attend. Not only are you supporting a great cause, but also experiencing an ancient dance style reborn.