Sunday, September 30, 2007

A late night with cold medicine and wine...

I don't waste much time with TV, but when I do, I hope to come out of it with something. I have indulged myself with several Showtime programs that always leave me thinking. "Californication" was on the menu for tonight. These past few months have been a whirlwind of emotions. This type of a roller coaster life is not normal for me. The episode of "Californication" focused on the way we treat other people, and the ramifications of saying things too late. Many of my actions were so delayed that I missed potential opportunities.

Every aspect of my life these days seems exaggerated and busting with meaning. I have always been the type of person that looks for "signs," which can sometimes be false confirmations for what I already wanted to do. I say false because I was looking at what I wanted to see, not what was really lying in front of my face. I feel like I had on rose colored glasses, and was viewing my world as something it was not.

They say that a person's eyes are windows to their soul. There were points in my life that I would have believed that statement. But, now I realize that behind those eyes, you must look deeper. Something lies under the surface of people that nobody can fully understand. It reminds me of a colorful package with the most ornate bow, but when opened..piece by piece...the inside is empty. It feels so cold.

I have been taught so many important lessons in this short amount of time. My family has proven that they will stand by me, no matter what choices I make. For all the years they protected me and I didn't understand...I am happy that in my adult life I can. My grandmother, whom does not understand the emotions of a separation (over fifty years of marriage), sent me the most beautiful note of encouragement. Life does deal us many different cards, and it is always our choice how we play the hand. I have taken risks, tried bluffing, and have put all my chips on the table. No matter how the game is played, the important part is how things are when the game is over.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Family birth stories revisited

I finally finished compiling my family's birth stories. It is such an excellent read! I was always amazed at the strength of the women in my family, and these stories confirm what I already knew. Whether the stories ever find their way into publication, I have created a family history that most families never have. I want to send out a special thanks to Penny Simkin for seeing the importance in this project, and helping me to see it through. Also, thanks to my friend Patience who was the electricity for my light bulb.

As the saying goes...

"Fool me once shame on you,
Fool me twice shame on me".

Shame on me.

You have no excuses left. But, thank you for making me a stronger person, thank you for opening my eyes to human nature, thank you for reminding me how to protect myself, thank you for bringing me closer to my family, thank you for paying your debt, and thank you for shamefully exiting out of my life.

Monday, September 10, 2007

A wolf in sheep's clothing

* I had previously removed this blog because I thought that I made the wrong assumption about someone. Alas, I was wrong. I was one of those people that was fooled twice...shame on me. One of the pitfalls of being a caring, and trusting individual is that you try and see through the uncertainties, and the questions. I had been hurt so much in my past, that I really began to stop trusting everyone. It took me a long time to get back the ability to trust other people. Now, I am sitting....trying to make sense of something that never did make any sense. This was more than the average amount of deceit, or culmination of white lies. This was thinking you knew almost everything about a person, only to find out that NOTHING was true. As difficult as it is not to, I find myself doubting my ability to judge people, and follow my instincts. This story (when told) resembles a Lifetime movie, with all its twists and turns. I still have so many unanswered questions, and I doubt I will be able to move into acceptance without first finding the answers. It will be a sad day if I become unable to think with my heart for fear of it always being hurt.*

I met a wolf in sheep's clothing not too long ago. How innocent and loving one person can seem. The excuses, the blame, the belittlement...all with a plan and purpose. Selfish Personal Gain. Then, that person revealed his true self...lucky for me I realized. Beware of these sneaky wolves for they come in such nice packages...aiming to tear out your heart.