Sunday, June 21, 2009


With every year I learn more and more about myself...the good, the bad, and the ugly. But, sometimes I just wonder WHY? I have a pending home inspection, and if it goes well, then I have a potential buyer for my house. But, I am panic stricken. Somewhere along life's path I began to automatically assume the worst in stressful situations. I find that easier to deal with than disappointment. This is my internal defense system. So, here I am, oh so worried about something that has not even happened. Logically I know how silly it is...worrying about something before it even happens, but I just can't bear to get my hopes up.

WHY has it become so ingrained in my being that I can not be hopeful? Many friends and family, while trying to protect me, have uttered such phrases as "don't get your hopes up," or "you never know what could happen". Aren't these hopeless phrases? Have "we" as a society, including myself, lost the power of hope? I literally get chills thinking of that statement. I for one do not consider myself "hopeless". So, WHY do I pick and choose when and where I deposit hope? Shouldn't it be spread all around, despite the circumstance?

In my personal reflection, I feel that control and hope sometimes coincide as one. I can easily be hopeful about things that are within my control. Things that I can make better, change, or adapt. But, when I have no control in a situation, I feel like I am dumped into chaos. This is where I must grow... I must learn how to hope without control. I need to embrace stressful situations with the same hope I have for the joys in my life. Not an easy task, but "knowing is half the battle". Right?

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Birth Week

It is birth week on the Discovery channel! This perfectly coincided with my first week off from school. Naturally, the birth junkie in me has been glued off and on to the television for several days now. While some of the shows frustrate me (highlights of mostly birth drama), there has been a wide variety of shows and stories that I have found fascinating. Usually, shows such as "A Baby Story" tend to focus on the goes into labor, heads to the hospital, begins a slew of interventions, and either ends up with a vaginal delivery or more often a cesarean. But, this week, I got to see a breech delivery, a twin vaginal delivery, two unmedicated births (one being a home birth), and multiple stories of women giving birth in accidental locations like a school.

I am not one who tears up at every little thing. In fact, I don't cry very often, even at gut wrenching movies. But, I have been in tears at the end of every 1/2 hour episode. I am not sure if it is because I have attended a lot of births and have felt those emotions first hand, or if I am turning into a weepy baby myself. :)

I am still amazed at the miracle of birth and the strength that every woman has inside of her. Those feelings and emotions are truly "one of a kind". One woman, after her natural delivery, said "I have never felt so accomplished in all my life". Phenomenal...

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Challenging Gandhi

"Nobody can hurt me without my permission" as Gandhi says. I love the idea of this quote, and the magnitude of its independence. It is the true realm of being that isolates everyone and everything from true existence. I admire and love Gandhi for his many views of the world, human nature, and our path known as life. But while I wish this statement could be true, I challenge its sincerity. I wish I could be strong enough to smother my hurt emotions when they come rising. I wish I could dismiss the feelings I have. I wish I could stifle the tears when they come flowing. But, my reality is...I CAN'T.

My heart is too weak and my mind is too strong. I believe that someone can hurt you, without ANY consent. When you give your heart to someone, you give a part of you. You lay your beating, tender heart in the care of another because you deem it safe. So, then the person hurts you. You are hurt because a part of you exists with and in the other person. You mesh in a way that is not separate. Trust is a delicate emotion that can fracture on instant. Unfortunately, any crack or stress can hold future ramifications. I know we shouldn't relive the past, but why would we be designed to remember if we were not supposed to?

While I am the only one who can control my pain, I am not the gatekeeper for its admittance.

Friday, June 12, 2009


I am very honest with myself and know what I do well, and where I suffer poorly. I have a complete inability to deal with stress effectively. With the end of the school year, trying to sell my house, and planning a wedding, I feel like I am drowning under the insanity of it all. I rarely ever worry about the future because I always believe that it will work out, but I get stressed in the here and now, what affects my life daily. When a million things are coming at me and my mind is racing under the sheer magnitude of it all, I want to run, and fast...hide under a rock and hope it will all just work itself out. Justin is the polar opposite of me. I swear, he doesn't have a stress bone in his body. Everything just flows like a chi pool of sparkling spring water. How does he do it? How can he never get bogged down with life's stresses? If you are one of those people that can let it all just roll off your back, PLEASE let me know how you do it! I am WAY too young for a heart attack and if I drink any more wine I may become an alcoholic. ;) Help me out by giving me your advice for distressing life's obstacles.