The Journey of Self Exploration

I have throughout my life examined and reexamined who I am and my feelings on pretty much every issue. I have tried to analyze what about my past or previous experiences has lead me to where and who I am today. But, there are some issues about myself that remain foggy and unknown. Without specifically discussing the current issue I am battling, I would rather have someone else's opinion or guidance on the greater matter at hand.

How do you know if what you are feeling is a true part of your personal morale, or an illustration of your insecurity? Everyone has their own insecurities and that may affect how we handle or deal with situations. But, what if the issue bothers you so much that it makes your toes curl and your stomach nauseous? In my mind, I would have to believe that this is a true issue for which I feel strongly about. It is something, while maybe attached to past experiences, still weighs heavily on my heart. Of course, the flip side to this could be that I am more self concious than even I realize and it manifests itself in this particular issue.

Is there a sign, or a way to tell the difference? How do I know if it is a part of me that I should not feel bad expressing, or if it is something I need to explore to begin healing from within.

It's not "What to wear" it's "Where to find it"

I hate shopping, let me say it again for significance...I HATE shopping!!! I don't like any form of shopping (unless online), but looking for clothes is especially dreadful. I went today to see if I could find an outfit for an event this weekend, and like "Groundhog Day" my previous experiences repeated. I know that I have a difficult body to dress (vertically challenged, normal weight but with curves) but, I can't be the only woman out there with my body type. While I can usually find shirts easily, I struggle with two particular items of clothing the most jeans (pants and shorts as well) and shoes.

If by some miracle I find a size that fits me, even the "short" kind will need to be hemmed. Some suggest that I shop in petites. Have you been to the petite sections lately? I am fairly certain that nobody under the age of 40 frequents that department. I know the rules..."fit the largest part of your body", "straight-leg looks best", and a "dark washed jean is more flattering". But, knowing the rules is one thing, finding what you need is another. I have gone to so many stores, and have come up empty-handed. All I want is a nice pair of jeans that fit my body. Is that too much to ask??? I am still holding on to my badly washed and hole-ridden jeans just because they fit. But, with this "fit" I am compromising my entire fashion sense!

Now, on to shoes. As a reminder...I am petite, and my shoe size ranges from 5-6. Evidently I am in the minority, so much that my size rarely exists. If I am able to find my size, it is either not wide enough, or the selection sucks. I have even been reduced to buying children's shoes on a couple of occasions! In the store today, I saw two pairs of shoes that I loved. I scanned down to find my size, and ...nada.

I doubt I am a serious candidate for "What Not to Wear", since I don't wear pajamas to work, sport halter tops, or experiment with every animal print, but I need help. I don't even need the $5,000 shopping spree, and I could do without New York. I just want someone to assist me in finding jeans that fit, and places (on a teacher-budget) that sell my size shoes.

Anyone out there have the same issues? Where do you go? What do you do?

How you know...

that you are with the person you are meant to be with.

I came home from a long work week to find rose petals leading to this...

Then I see an array of notes attached to the flowers, one of which says this...

"I love you because my life could never be what I want it to be without you..."

It is not our anniversary, it is not a holiday...it is just because.