Sunday, September 30, 2007

A late night with cold medicine and wine...

I don't waste much time with TV, but when I do, I hope to come out of it with something. I have indulged myself with several Showtime programs that always leave me thinking. "Californication" was on the menu for tonight. These past few months have been a whirlwind of emotions. This type of a roller coaster life is not normal for me. The episode of "Californication" focused on the way we treat other people, and the ramifications of saying things too late. Many of my actions were so delayed that I missed potential opportunities.

Every aspect of my life these days seems exaggerated and busting with meaning. I have always been the type of person that looks for "signs," which can sometimes be false confirmations for what I already wanted to do. I say false because I was looking at what I wanted to see, not what was really lying in front of my face. I feel like I had on rose colored glasses, and was viewing my world as something it was not.

They say that a person's eyes are windows to their soul. There were points in my life that I would have believed that statement. But, now I realize that behind those eyes, you must look deeper. Something lies under the surface of people that nobody can fully understand. It reminds me of a colorful package with the most ornate bow, but when opened..piece by piece...the inside is empty. It feels so cold.

I have been taught so many important lessons in this short amount of time. My family has proven that they will stand by me, no matter what choices I make. For all the years they protected me and I didn't understand...I am happy that in my adult life I can. My grandmother, whom does not understand the emotions of a separation (over fifty years of marriage), sent me the most beautiful note of encouragement. Life does deal us many different cards, and it is always our choice how we play the hand. I have taken risks, tried bluffing, and have put all my chips on the table. No matter how the game is played, the important part is how things are when the game is over.

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