New Life

We recently made a new addition to our family in the form of a puppy named Ellie. I was very nervous to add another dog to the mix because I wasn't sure how my dog, Nikki, would react to not being the only "child" any more. But, after only a few days, their "doggy love" emerged.

I am actually discovering even more things about Nikki that I love (if it is even possible to love her more). I LOVE the fact that she has harnessed her inner mother, teacher, and patient friend. She adores the puppy! They share kisses after being reunited, worry when they are not together, and have endless play sessions.

I realize that sometimes you just have to go for it...because hesitant choices are not always bad ones. :)

Double Doula

I have been a doula for five years now, but this was the first time I was a doula for a close friend. I found it much harder to be completely objective with someone I know personally and love. I felt apprehensive with every intervention she received...even though I knew that most of the interventions she received have become "hospital norms". I was angry with her doctor and some of the nurses because I was so fearful that one of their procedures would cause my friend or her baby harm. This strong protective instinct I think caused me to be a less effective doula. In the end, both my friend and her baby were happy and healthy.

My friend thanked me for the help, gave me a lovely Things Remembered doula bracelet, and continues to call my hands "magic"...so I guess I did an okay job. It is just my inner perfectionist that wanted to give her the same objective doula experience that others have had. But, in the end, a happy mom, dad, and baby is what matters most!

Her Spirit

Nikki has been my dog (aka baby bear), for seven years now. Right now she is curled up around my feet smelling of shampoo from her recent bath. I began thinking about our last vet visit. I took her in for what I thought was a broken tail. But it turned out to be sprained due to excessive wagging. I had never heard of such a thing before! But, if a dog were to get it...it would be her. Even though she is a little accident prone, she really is an amazingly sweet and happy dog who evidently wags her tail too much. :) Nikki's basic needs are food, water, and LOVE. When I am in one of my selfish or crabby moods, I often look at her. All day, every day she is peaceful, content, and ready to give and receive love. There is so much beauty in her spirit.

Wedding Memories

As lovers of the snow, it was hard to imagine that in Richmond on our pre-selected wedding day we would have 14 inches of snow! While only half the guest list was able to make it, and there were many touch-and-go moments...it all worked out and even better than I imagined. Most people said "at least your wedding was full of memories and stories to tell your future children". They are right, but the snow was minor on the memory scale for me. Marrying my true love will always reign supreme. :)

Mariposa Monarca

The annual migration of the Monarch butterflies has been both a mystery and a wonderment of nature for many years. These little miracles travel to parts of Mexico each year as the winter season begins. They arrive in the same place, and many times even the same trees even though it is the fourth generation that returns the following year. Many questions still remain as to how the Monarchs know where to find their winter home.My husband and I recently traveled to Mexico to see the Monarchs at the Cerro Pelon butterfly sanctuary. First we took a car up a large mounatin (led by our guide) until we reached a small village. They were ready with horses to take us the rest of the way up the steep mountain. I looked for butterflies all along the way, just waiting for that first glimpse, but I didn't see any. We took the horses as far as we could, and then hiked the rest of the way on foot. All of a sudden our guide stopped, turned around to get our attention and pointed. There in a small valley, high in the mountains were the Monarchs. Their fluttering wings sounded like rushing water as so many of them were flying to be warmed by the sun.

I slowly began to notice that there were already Monarchs all around me. The sun had not yet reached them, so they were remaining frozen in place. They were in clusters on the ground, under leaves, and clinging to branches and tree trunks. It is impossible to describe the sheer amount of butterflies without actually being there. Even our guide and the village locals stood still and absorbed this phenomenal event.

At this particular sanctuary you are able to get closer to them than any other and can stay for an indefinite amount of time. We even ate lunch there, in the middle of the trail, just staring. Some of the locals believe that the Monarchs are the spirits of those who have passed on and greet them each year with respect and adoration. These delicate "winged flowers" will take your breath away and enable you to have your own spiritual experience.

I will probably not have the opportunity to witness this extraordinary event again, but I am thrilled that I did, and will keep so many memories close to my heart.

At Peace

This is how I feel...

So blissful, content, and knowing...

That here is where I am meant to be.

The Critical Hour

When I first started teaching I was overwhelmed, but joyous in my work with the children and the experience I was obtaining. Every year I learned more about the universe of education, and the direction we are rapidly approaching.

I am currently in my eighth year of teaching, and I am terrified.

* I am scared about our job security and the sheer volume of decreased funding.
* I am scared of the current teacher stress level and the impact it will have on teachers' health and longevity in the field of education.
* I am scared that we are pushing our kids too hard, and none of them will enjoy school or learning anymore.

Education has taken a turn that is sharp and dangerous. It is ravening in a direction that may put all of our hard work and goals off course. For two years my school district has not had enough money, so budgets were cut, and there has been a RIF (reduction in force). The forecast for next year is much worse. It is amazing to me that education is not important enough for adequate funding, but important enough to constantly raise expectations. Education is the future, and right now our future looks grim. On a side note, my state can not have unions, so basically any form of "uprising" could result in dismissal. This leaves our hands completely tied. Which leads me to teacher stress...

Teachers are so overwhelmed right now with school, district, state, and federal expectations that many doubt whether they can even handle the job anymore. More work and responsibility continues piling up, and sooner or later, it will cave in. My school district was quoted in the local paper (on the subject of teacher lap tops) as saying they are "a way to extend the school day without actually extending it". So basically, they can increase the workload for teachers, and not pay us any more or give us more time to complete the work. Good teachers are debating leaving the profession, and that would be a crime to everyone's children and their future.

Kids are being pushed and pushed far beyond their developmental age, in my opinion. The early grades have turned into a prep-school for the testing grades. We have to drill them, smother them in intervention, and beat knowledge into them to satisfy "adequate progress". I have high expectations for my students, and I give them my all every day...but what I am expected to be teaching them is not something I agree with. The lack of socialization during play is gone after kindergarten. Children may be progressing academically, but struggling in the social areas of development which is also critical. In my classroom, I am expected to teach them comprehension skills such as making inferences, when many of them are just starting to read. I believe that all of this pressure to make everyone succeed at the SAME rate will backfire, and children will lose their intrinsic desire and motivation to learn. Parents should also be concerned. Schools are expected to collect data, data, and more data on children. That word has now entered the same category as other four letter words. I do feel it is very important to analyze and test children's progress, but not when we are testing more than we are instructing. For example, it takes me two weeks of guided reading time to test their reading level. Since I have to do this four times a year, this is eight weeks out of a school year that your child is not receiving small group instruction in reading. So, what would you consider more important?

Some how, some way...teachers, parents, and other educational supporters need to start speaking out and against depriving schools of necessary funding, putting more stress and work on teachers without proper time to do it and compensation, and stealing the joy of education from young learners.

The Irony of Perfection

With simple minds, and simple hands we commence,
in a silence that harbors regret.
Imperfect beings united,
in a world where false perfection reigns.

Unfair are the perceptions that bring down self worth,
always steady and strong...
stifling.

Always fighting through,
to an imaginary place
where imperfection is adored.

It's just me, just you, just us....

Dying Young

I'm young, so I rarely think about dying ... in my mind, I have many decades to go. But, every now and then a contemporary falls to a life cut short, and I'm hit with my own mortality. My cousin, young at 37, is being consumed by a merciless disease. I have been there, active and passive, watching her quickly fade into a sliver of what she once was. I have never dealt with death well, probably because of my afterlife uncertainty. But, as her condition worsens, I find myself becoming weaker because I am scared and unsure whether I can handle whats soon to come.

My family is grieving, and the stress is increasing. I feel the weight, and it is exhausting. I don't know what to do, what to say, when to be there, or when to leave. I want to bring happiness, distraction, smiles, and memories. I want to be able to put aside my heavy heart, and help her find peace.

It is never easy to lose a loved one, or watch them go through something so painful and unforgiving. But, when someone is dying young, when it could be you, its difficult not to internalize these frightful possibilities.

Coming of Age

There are many times in one's life where our self realization takes on different roles and perspectives. When I was very young, I didn't understand that I was my own person. I reacted without much thought. Eventually, I started to grow into myself, and began navigating the pathways of my mind and heart. Then came a time when I was so engulfed in my heart that reason and outward insight was obsolete. I couldn't comprehend my own emotions, and usually succumbed to them.

Now, I am part of a new transformation, one that I am not yet comfortable with. In this state, I still feel the strong emotions I once did, but they are intersected with the wisdom I have gained over time. My heart and mind battle often, always aware of each other. How does one justify their uncontrollable feelings when they can not be rationalized? In many ways, I am content with the person I am becoming. I am proud of most of the choices I have made, and the decisions I have chosen. But, (with a reluctant sigh) my past still haunts me.

I wish human change was more like that of a butterfly. A complete transformation with only a glimmer of one's former self...probably remembering little of their short time as a caterpillar. With all the things I want to remember, there is much I wish I could forget, because forgetting would help me find my inner equilibrium.

Eyes? True windows to the soul?

Most of the time
I can look in your eyes
and see
you.
Yesterday
you hid them
and I
could only see me.

Looking in someone's eyes has always been something I felt compelled to do. Whether I am speaking to another person, having intimate and silent conversation, or looking for truths...I always go to the eyes. Sometimes they can say much more than words. But, when the words are absent, and the eyes are "hidden" discovery stands still.

Is it possible to ever really know someone? No matter how long or in what circumstance, can one truly know the soul of another? Everyone shelters a part of them for a variety of reasons. But with this sheltering, true connections can sometimes be lost. Sometimes what we "know" and what we "see" collide in a confusing mixture of absolutes.

I wonder if we can ever be completely honest with another person, if we can not always be honest with ourselves.

The WHY of HOPE

With every year I learn more and more about myself...the good, the bad, and the ugly. But, sometimes I just wonder WHY? I have a pending home inspection, and if it goes well, then I have a potential buyer for my house. But, I am panic stricken. Somewhere along life's path I began to automatically assume the worst in stressful situations. I find that easier to deal with than disappointment. This is my internal defense system. So, here I am, oh so worried about something that has not even happened. Logically I know how silly it is...worrying about something before it even happens, but I just can't bear to get my hopes up.

WHY has it become so ingrained in my being that I can not be hopeful? Many friends and family, while trying to protect me, have uttered such phrases as "don't get your hopes up," or "you never know what could happen". Aren't these hopeless phrases? Have "we" as a society, including myself, lost the power of hope? I literally get chills thinking of that statement. I for one do not consider myself "hopeless". So, WHY do I pick and choose when and where I deposit hope? Shouldn't it be spread all around, despite the circumstance?

In my personal reflection, I feel that control and hope sometimes coincide as one. I can easily be hopeful about things that are within my control. Things that I can make better, change, or adapt. But, when I have no control in a situation, I feel like I am dumped into chaos. This is where I must grow... I must learn how to hope without control. I need to embrace stressful situations with the same hope I have for the joys in my life. Not an easy task, but "knowing is half the battle". Right?

Birth Week

It is birth week on the Discovery channel! This perfectly coincided with my first week off from school. Naturally, the birth junkie in me has been glued off and on to the television for several days now. While some of the shows frustrate me (highlights of mostly birth drama), there has been a wide variety of shows and stories that I have found fascinating. Usually, shows such as "A Baby Story" tend to focus on the usual...mom goes into labor, heads to the hospital, begins a slew of interventions, and either ends up with a vaginal delivery or more often a cesarean. But, this week, I got to see a breech delivery, a twin vaginal delivery, two unmedicated births (one being a home birth), and multiple stories of women giving birth in accidental locations like a school.

I am not one who tears up at every little thing. In fact, I don't cry very often, even at gut wrenching movies. But, I have been in tears at the end of every 1/2 hour episode. I am not sure if it is because I have attended a lot of births and have felt those emotions first hand, or if I am turning into a weepy baby myself. :)

I am still amazed at the miracle of birth and the strength that every woman has inside of her. Those feelings and emotions are truly "one of a kind". One woman, after her natural delivery, said "I have never felt so accomplished in all my life". Phenomenal...

Challenging Gandhi

"Nobody can hurt me without my permission" as Gandhi says. I love the idea of this quote, and the magnitude of its independence. It is the true realm of being that isolates everyone and everything from true existence. I admire and love Gandhi for his many views of the world, human nature, and our path known as life. But while I wish this statement could be true, I challenge its sincerity. I wish I could be strong enough to smother my hurt emotions when they come rising. I wish I could dismiss the feelings I have. I wish I could stifle the tears when they come flowing. But, my reality is...I CAN'T.

My heart is too weak and my mind is too strong. I believe that someone can hurt you, without ANY consent. When you give your heart to someone, you give a part of you. You lay your beating, tender heart in the care of another because you deem it safe. So, then the person hurts you. You are hurt because a part of you exists with and in the other person. You mesh in a way that is not separate. Trust is a delicate emotion that can fracture on instant. Unfortunately, any crack or stress can hold future ramifications. I know we shouldn't relive the past, but why would we be designed to remember if we were not supposed to?

While I am the only one who can control my pain, I am not the gatekeeper for its admittance.

STRESS

I am very honest with myself and know what I do well, and where I suffer poorly. I have a complete inability to deal with stress effectively. With the end of the school year, trying to sell my house, and planning a wedding, I feel like I am drowning under the insanity of it all. I rarely ever worry about the future because I always believe that it will work out, but I get stressed in the here and now, what affects my life daily. When a million things are coming at me and my mind is racing under the sheer magnitude of it all, I want to run, and fast...hide under a rock and hope it will all just work itself out. Justin is the polar opposite of me. I swear, he doesn't have a stress bone in his body. Everything just flows like a chi pool of sparkling spring water. How does he do it? How can he never get bogged down with life's stresses? If you are one of those people that can let it all just roll off your back, PLEASE let me know how you do it! I am WAY too young for a heart attack and if I drink any more wine I may become an alcoholic. ;) Help me out by giving me your advice for distressing life's obstacles.

Wedding Blues

I am eternally blissful about my future husband and the beautiful life we will have.
I am excited about having an intimate wedding and ceremony designed just for the two of us.
Mostly, I am thrilled that he wants to be part of the whole process.

But, I am sad and discouraged about the price of everything. It is amazing to me that such an important and memorable day for a couple is blanketed by expense just because it can be. I am focused on what is most important, intense on cutting corners, and conscience about every cost saving measure, but the sheer amount is stifling.

How does one have a beautiful and perfect wedding with guests on such a tight budget? It feels like every time I cut down on one expense it creates a bubble effect in another. I doubt that I can do it without the help of friends and family, but I hate to ask anyone. When it comes to a wedding, I want guests to come together and celebrate, not come together and work. But, I just can't seem to balance everything out.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to cut costs? What are your opinions on asking for help? How to you negotiate price when you lack all negotiating skills?

The Journey of Self Exploration

I have throughout my life examined and reexamined who I am and my feelings on pretty much every issue. I have tried to analyze what about my past or previous experiences has lead me to where and who I am today. But, there are some issues about myself that remain foggy and unknown. Without specifically discussing the current issue I am battling, I would rather have someone else's opinion or guidance on the greater matter at hand.

How do you know if what you are feeling is a true part of your personal morale, or an illustration of your insecurity? Everyone has their own insecurities and that may affect how we handle or deal with situations. But, what if the issue bothers you so much that it makes your toes curl and your stomach nauseous? In my mind, I would have to believe that this is a true issue for which I feel strongly about. It is something, while maybe attached to past experiences, still weighs heavily on my heart. Of course, the flip side to this could be that I am more self concious than even I realize and it manifests itself in this particular issue.

Is there a sign, or a way to tell the difference? How do I know if it is a part of me that I should not feel bad expressing, or if it is something I need to explore to begin healing from within.

It's not "What to wear" it's "Where to find it"

I hate shopping, let me say it again for significance...I HATE shopping!!! I don't like any form of shopping (unless online), but looking for clothes is especially dreadful. I went today to see if I could find an outfit for an event this weekend, and like "Groundhog Day" my previous experiences repeated. I know that I have a difficult body to dress (vertically challenged, normal weight but with curves) but, I can't be the only woman out there with my body type. While I can usually find shirts easily, I struggle with two particular items of clothing the most jeans (pants and shorts as well) and shoes.

If by some miracle I find a size that fits me, even the "short" kind will need to be hemmed. Some suggest that I shop in petites. Have you been to the petite sections lately? I am fairly certain that nobody under the age of 40 frequents that department. I know the rules..."fit the largest part of your body", "straight-leg looks best", and a "dark washed jean is more flattering". But, knowing the rules is one thing, finding what you need is another. I have gone to so many stores, and have come up empty-handed. All I want is a nice pair of jeans that fit my body. Is that too much to ask??? I am still holding on to my badly washed and hole-ridden jeans just because they fit. But, with this "fit" I am compromising my entire fashion sense!

Now, on to shoes. As a reminder...I am petite, and my shoe size ranges from 5-6. Evidently I am in the minority, so much that my size rarely exists. If I am able to find my size, it is either not wide enough, or the selection sucks. I have even been reduced to buying children's shoes on a couple of occasions! In the store today, I saw two pairs of shoes that I loved. I scanned down to find my size, and ...nada.

I doubt I am a serious candidate for "What Not to Wear", since I don't wear pajamas to work, sport halter tops, or experiment with every animal print, but I need help. I don't even need the $5,000 shopping spree, and I could do without New York. I just want someone to assist me in finding jeans that fit, and places (on a teacher-budget) that sell my size shoes.

Anyone out there have the same issues? Where do you go? What do you do?

How you know...

that you are with the person you are meant to be with.

I came home from a long work week to find rose petals leading to this...

Then I see an array of notes attached to the flowers, one of which says this...

"I love you because my life could never be what I want it to be without you..."

It is not our anniversary, it is not a holiday...it is just because.

Closed

I feel that a friendship door has closed. Much like a book that you fully experienced, and hated for it to end. But you closed the cover anyway and reluctantly put it down. Sometimes, for some reason, lives no longer mesh and there is an emptiness beyond distance. I will always hold a special place in my heart for this person, but I will no longer yearn for what I had. A door closes, and another chapter is done. I open a new book, and enjoy a series that has just yet begun. Oddly enough, I feel just fine.