The Journey of Self Exploration

I have throughout my life examined and reexamined who I am and my feelings on pretty much every issue. I have tried to analyze what about my past or previous experiences has lead me to where and who I am today. But, there are some issues about myself that remain foggy and unknown. Without specifically discussing the current issue I am battling, I would rather have someone else's opinion or guidance on the greater matter at hand.

How do you know if what you are feeling is a true part of your personal morale, or an illustration of your insecurity? Everyone has their own insecurities and that may affect how we handle or deal with situations. But, what if the issue bothers you so much that it makes your toes curl and your stomach nauseous? In my mind, I would have to believe that this is a true issue for which I feel strongly about. It is something, while maybe attached to past experiences, still weighs heavily on my heart. Of course, the flip side to this could be that I am more self concious than even I realize and it manifests itself in this particular issue.

Is there a sign, or a way to tell the difference? How do I know if it is a part of me that I should not feel bad expressing, or if it is something I need to explore to begin healing from within.

It's not "What to wear" it's "Where to find it"

I hate shopping, let me say it again for significance...I HATE shopping!!! I don't like any form of shopping (unless online), but looking for clothes is especially dreadful. I went today to see if I could find an outfit for an event this weekend, and like "Groundhog Day" my previous experiences repeated. I know that I have a difficult body to dress (vertically challenged, normal weight but with curves) but, I can't be the only woman out there with my body type. While I can usually find shirts easily, I struggle with two particular items of clothing the most jeans (pants and shorts as well) and shoes.

If by some miracle I find a size that fits me, even the "short" kind will need to be hemmed. Some suggest that I shop in petites. Have you been to the petite sections lately? I am fairly certain that nobody under the age of 40 frequents that department. I know the rules..."fit the largest part of your body", "straight-leg looks best", and a "dark washed jean is more flattering". But, knowing the rules is one thing, finding what you need is another. I have gone to so many stores, and have come up empty-handed. All I want is a nice pair of jeans that fit my body. Is that too much to ask??? I am still holding on to my badly washed and hole-ridden jeans just because they fit. But, with this "fit" I am compromising my entire fashion sense!

Now, on to shoes. As a reminder...I am petite, and my shoe size ranges from 5-6. Evidently I am in the minority, so much that my size rarely exists. If I am able to find my size, it is either not wide enough, or the selection sucks. I have even been reduced to buying children's shoes on a couple of occasions! In the store today, I saw two pairs of shoes that I loved. I scanned down to find my size, and ...nada.

I doubt I am a serious candidate for "What Not to Wear", since I don't wear pajamas to work, sport halter tops, or experiment with every animal print, but I need help. I don't even need the $5,000 shopping spree, and I could do without New York. I just want someone to assist me in finding jeans that fit, and places (on a teacher-budget) that sell my size shoes.

Anyone out there have the same issues? Where do you go? What do you do?

How you know...

that you are with the person you are meant to be with.

I came home from a long work week to find rose petals leading to this...

Then I see an array of notes attached to the flowers, one of which says this...

"I love you because my life could never be what I want it to be without you..."

It is not our anniversary, it is not a holiday...it is just because.

Closed

I feel that a friendship door has closed. Much like a book that you fully experienced, and hated for it to end. But you closed the cover anyway and reluctantly put it down. Sometimes, for some reason, lives no longer mesh and there is an emptiness beyond distance. I will always hold a special place in my heart for this person, but I will no longer yearn for what I had. A door closes, and another chapter is done. I open a new book, and enjoy a series that has just yet begun. Oddly enough, I feel just fine.

Darius Goes West

I first heard of this movie through a local radio station that was conducting a live interview. The story was so moving, that it made me want to experience more. I went to the website for Darius Goes West and ordered a copy of the movie where majority of the proceeds go to Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy research.

I just finished watching the movie, and I can not say enough wonderful things about this documentary. They take you on a journey into the life of a teenager dealing with a fatal disease. But, in his eyes, all you see is the happiness and joy of just being alive. His message speaks volumes not only to other people struggling with disabilities, but to anyone who has fallen on difficult times. His message is of life, living it to the fullest, and most importantly that one person can be a "vehicle" for change.

Their goal is to educate and sell a million copies of the movie in a year so that maybe, in our lifetime, there will be a cure. I highly recommend buying a DVD and experiencing this inspirational story for yourself. Enjoy the ride!

What Type of Friend?

I have been the listening ear, the shoulder to cry on, and the one to vent and process with. I like being that type of friend. But, sometimes I feel guilty (if the situation warrants it). I am what a friend needs in their time of need, but I worry that I may not provide the right kind of advice or input. I know it is human instinct to want to protect a loved one from potential hurt, but my protective side is sometimes masked by fear. I have seen it many times before...the good friend that gives advice which in turn alienates them from their friend, and that is not what I want. So, what does one do? Just be that listening ear and never deliver opinions or personal feelings on the situation? How do you deal with the overwhelming concern brewing for someone you care about?

In pop culture these days, the news is swarming about the Chris Brown/Rihanna fiasco. Many average people and other celebrities have weighed in on the issue of abuse. Yet, she still goes back to him. The cycle of abuse is well documented in many psychological studies, which state that abuse is likely occur again. So what would Rihanna's friends do? Just be the listening ear or really tell her that she should reconsider being with someone that is abusive?

I have not experienced all that life can throw at you, but I have been through my fair share. I have seen the aspects of relationships and the potential signs that could lead to its demise. I feel the urge to express my concern because of past relationships in the hopes of protecting those I hold dear from experiencing the same heartache. But, every time my mind meets my heart's words, I go with my logical side instead of what is screaming in my heart.

So, what would you do? How would you handle a delicate situation with a friend?

The Mirror

I was standing in front of the mirror getting ready the other morning, and as I got closer, I began noticing wrinkles. I wondered where they came from...have they always been that defined? Then it hit me, these past few weeks I have been feeling less than youthful, and the wrinkles were just the icing on my "almost 30 cake". I even consulted my friend Jen on wrinkle creams, assuming that now is the time I need to invest in those kind of skin care products.

I have been stressed with my job and my work out routine disappeared some time in the fall, so that probably has something to do with it. I also think about my younger hot boyfriend, and panic, because I can't start looking "old" now! :) I have always looked younger than I am, and I never fret pulling out my ID for those adult beverages. In fact, I smile, and say "thank you!"

I didn't think I would have issues with turning 30 (still months away), but I guess I am. I look at the many people I know that are in their 30's and I have always pictured that time to be the best years life has to offer. So, why am I freaking out??? My logical side tries to remind myself that I am only as old as I feel, and that I have so much to look forward to in my 30's. But, my irrational side is trying to slow down those sands of time so that I can mentally catch up.

So, I fall back on the timeless song "Landslide" by Stevie Nicks, which has been my longstanding favorite. I too face the mountain and wonder if "the child within my heart (can) rise above".