Doula in Limbo

This is officially my hundredth post. I feel like I should be writing about something incredibly significant and life-altering, but I guess I might have covered that on my 99th post. :) Anyway, I am writing because I feel like I am in a state of doula limbo right now. I completed my certification in January, but have not attended a birth since December. I did have opportunities, but while finishing my master's degree, I could not accept any clients. Now I am finished, and the feeling of being in between my calling is weighing on me. I have tossed around various ideas such as becoming a childbirth educator, but I am unable to afford the training right now.

I had previously joined a Richmond Yahoo doula group in order to network, and read about current issues in birth. The group has left me fairly disheartened. They started charging an annual fee to belong to the group. While the amount is not much, it is the principle that bothers me. The main point of the fees is so women who need or want a doula for their birth, but can not afford one, will be compensated through a joint doula fund. I really find this ridiculous. I have actually never charged for my doula services. At first it was because I didn't feel comfortable charging without a lot of experience, but then it turned into the fact that I could not refuse a client my services if they wanted a doula but did not have the money. I just can't understand why other local doulas couldn't offer a free birth every now and then to also support women in the area in lieu of a fee? I was approached by someone who is looking for doulas to do volunteer births. This organization provides services to women who would otherwise be alone for their birth. I really feel like this is more of the path I must walk. The informational meeting was pushed back until October, so hopefully the meeting will shed some extra light.

My other dilemma is with my family's birth stories. I have been working on them for a couple years now, and finally got back into making final changes, and doing some of the suggestions made by Penny Simkin. The purpose of the stories is to provide each contributing woman a copy of our family's stories for preservation. The only issue I have is whether to leave the project as that..a family birth memoir or also pursue other suggestions such as submitting them to a mother's magazine. I am still just as interested and intrigued in birth and my work as a doula, but I am facing some confusion as where to take it. I know I only have a few readers, but any suggestions or guidance would be appreciated.

The Universe

I have always believed in the saying that "everything happens for a reason". That people come into your life for a reason, and every event has a purpose. I am not a religious person at all, but I am extremely spiritual and have faith in the unknown and unseen. I think back to the random nature of events in my life, and how they have now perfectly aligned themselves.

I have hit a new wave in my life where everything difficult or hard has resulted in much happiness. I am witnessing the frayed memories of my life being sewn together in a slow, yet purposeful manner. The emotions I am having are so new to me that I am not even sure what to do with the feelings I am having. I have gone through such a long road where I began to anticipate every pothole in my path. I never saw the "road crew" out to mend the bumps, and I worried that I would only experience more downs than ups.

But, I was wrong! I am living a life now that I have always wanted. Personally and professionally I have blossomed, and yet smelled each rose along the way. I find myself sometimes turning around amazed at the brighter path I am now on.

My deepest "universe connection" of the moment has been with my doula work. My friend Patience welcomed me to attend the birth of her first daughter. The experience itself was life changing, but the carpet had only begun unrolling. Patience suggested that I look into the possibility of becoming a doula. I was drawn to the art of birthing, and the service of a doula. I attended several births along the way, but worried that I may not have enough births to complete my certification. Then my dad mentioned my name to his pregnant hair stylist. She ended up accepting me as a client. She had a beautiful and touching birth, and we remained in contact long after. She was the one that introduced me to Justin. As I have mentioned in an earlier post, it was completely wonderful and random. Having met someone as amazing as him is one piece of the happiness I am experiencing.

The "universe" is a wide-open space where infinite hope and possibilities lie. Goals settle in with the stars, and nightly dreams are achieved. During part of my life, I felt as though I was only treading water to stay afloat, and now I feel like I am floating.

White House Babies

I was laying in bed with my boyfriend while he showed me all the features of his new phone, when an option for "today in history" appeared on the screen. We began reading about all the events that occurred on September 9th. One blurb caught my attention, which mentioned that the daughter of President Cleveland was born in the White House on that day in 1893. I am fascinated with birth, and homebirths especially, and I had never really thought about White House homebirths before. I have read and researched about the history of birth, so I should have assumed that because of the time that all babies were born in whatever "home" the woman lived in. I am not quite sure why this concept is so thrilling to me, but it led me to further research.

I could only find one article dedicated to White House births which was originally published in 1908. Esther Cleveland was the only baby to be born to a President within the White House. I am sure this is because of the typical age of most Presidents, but the rest of my findings were equally interesting. As of the article's date, there had been less than twenty births in the White House during its one hundred and eight years of existence. The other babies born within the White House were actually grandchildren of the Presidents. Presidents such as John Quincy Adams, Thomas Jefferson, General Grant, and Andrew Jackson were among those in attendance for the births of their grandchildren. Imagine entering the world in the Exectutive Mansion among hisorical greatness!

The White House has always felt like a sterile, yet historically signifigant building that I could never really consider a "house" or a "home". But, the idea of families coming together through a birth, even in the White House, made me feel differently. No matter who you are, where you live, or what station in life you find youself, childbirth is still the raw and emotional connection that binds people and families.

The Beginning of a New School Year

Unless you are a teacher, I truly do not believe one can understand the amount of stress associated with the beginning of a new school year. Last week I was panicked that my room would not be ready, and I would not be fully equipped to accept 20 new students into my classroom. I had my mini-breakdown on the phone with my boyfriend. I know it was something he had not seen from me before, and I truly didn't understand why I was so emotional, but I knew I had to release it. This week has left my body exhausted like I have spent every day competing in a triathlon. As soon as my mind is able to shut down for the day, my body just goes with it. I am not sure why a new school year is so difficult, and I know after my years of teaching that everything will plateau in a month, but October seems so far away right now. It might be because of the intricate details I must attend to such as teaching them how to line up, walk through the halls, and use their pencil box properly. It is trying to figure out what makes every child tick, and how I can relate to them, and better instruct them for the rest of the year. So far (fingers crossed) I have no major behavior issues in my class. This is the first year in a long time that I have not had either a clinically psychotic child, or a gang member in my class (all joking aside). I find this so refreshing, but I am afraid to get too excited because the population of my classroom is forever changing. I have an adorable group of children that have so much personality and so many gifts that will help to make my year a unique and special one. I look forward to their hugs each day, and their smiling faces when we are doing something enjoyable. I also look at the first students I had at my current school, now in third grade, always saying hi to me and giving me hugs. I feel so much older when I see how grown up they are. I know that next week will be better, and the weeks after that will improve once we all figure things out. So, if you see a teacher today, give her a reassuring smile because she is surely in need of an energy boost.

My inner child

Everyone has an inner child that still enjoys the things they did when young. I personally loved art and coloring, and recently had a strong urge to color in a coloring book. I watch my students color all the time. I sometimes can't understand why they just scribble all over their pictures, because coloring was always my favorite part of the work. I actually received a couple coloring books for my birthday, and one was Cinderella! :) Today I had free time (since I have no more school work) so I sat down and began coloring a picture. I swear I spent a couple hours trying to stay in every line, and fill every nook and cranny with color. I love taking a black and white drawing and filling it with whatever colors I desire...much like painting the world through my eyes. It felt amazing when I finished the picture! It was truly therapeutic for me to reconnect with my inner child. As corny as story lines for coloring books usually are, I loved what it said on the picture I colored, "She found true love with her prince because she had always kept a beautiful dream in her heart". How incredible is that?

Seeing the light

There are many things for me to be thankful for right now...finishing my master's degree, my loving boyfriend, and the kindness of strangers. I went to see Dave Matthews this weekend, and it was an amazing experience! I had never seen them live before, and I am eager to see them again. With the thousands and thousands of people there, the concert still felt like an intimate jam session that you were lucky enough to attend.

Reeling from an excellent concert, I was very excited to return, and finish the last of my school work and revel in FINALLY finishing my master's degree, the day before my birthday none-the-less. But, fate decided to throw a bit of a wrench in my best laid plans. I was in a car accident Saturday night. It was my first when driving, and a scene that I had previously imagined in what-if scenarios came true. Of course, my car had to be towed, and I am sitting here at my house with no transportation...waiting for the claims handler to call me back (LONG WAIT). But, the accident could not have been more comforting. Nobody was injured. The police officers were gentle and helpful as I stood there shaking like a leaf. Many people stopped to help by calling the police, and being witnesses to the accident not being my fault. I felt so blessed to have the support of complete strangers. Justin came to the scene to pick me up and help out as much as he could. As soon as I saw his truck pull up, I felt safe and not so alone. He has been such a blessing in my life, and just when I needed him the most, he was there without hesitation.

When everything seems to be going perfectly, it is hard to stay upbeat when a curve ball is thrown. But, it was easier in this situation for me to "see the light" because of the kindness I felt first hand. No matter what negative signs of humanity are on display in the world, I was witness to the beauty humanity still brings, and for that I am thankful.

A Healthy Dose of Disorder

I guess I have always been an organizer, or rather effective at time management. Especially in the past two years, I have had to plan each week just to get everything done. I didn't realize how much the organization had seeped from my professional to personal life. Routine and placement...my remedy in the times of chaos. My boyfriend, while organized, lets a little disorder shine through. I will perfectly place the pillows on his bed, he will watch me and then roughly dismantle my assembly. All I can do is smile. He recognizes my compelling urge to straighten and have things in their correct place. He makes a point to draw attention to my analness, and redirect my focus. Personally, I love it! :) While it may seem frustrating to some, it is exactly what I need. It is difficult when habits form, and routines are established to break away and just let go. Most of the time I do not realize what I am doing until it comes apart. He taught my "old" dog a new trick, and it seems that he is teaching me one as well...the art of healthy disorder.